more than a month .........

More than a month has past since my last post. Not sure if anyone is even glancing at the spewing of my life. It helps me, that's the important part.

My granddaughter was hospitalized for a month. They feel the medication she was on was causing the behavior. She came home 5 days before school started. She hasn't had any of the violent episodes since she's been back, but the defiance and opposition are still there in full force.

My daughter has a long road ahead of her. Not only does she have to deal with all the problems with her daughter, her son is the focus of a custody struggle. Her ex only wants custody of her son, not both kids. He thinks that if they each have custody of one child, no one will have to pay child support, and has told the boy that is the only reason his mother wants custody, to get child support!!! My daughter and I tried to explain to him that the child support his father would pay doesn't begin to cover the cost of raising a child. His father was ordered in the past to pay $75 a week, and to a ten year old, $300 a month seems like a fortune. We tried to show him the cost of clothes, food, housing, recreational activities, and all the other things involved in raising a child.

I suppose if I posted more often, I wouldn't feel the need to write such a long note! I am closing now, hope to get on more now that school is in session.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Lately it seems like a flashback to when my son was young. Walking on eggshells, trying not to aggravate the situation, yet rejoicing in every second that goes by without a major meltdown. I feel so tired, constantly on alert, shuffling things around without ever really getting anything done.

We are making baby steps in getting help for my granddaughter. Resources are on their way, but the agency that is supposed to be helping was supposed to get in touch with us last Wednesday. It's now Monday afternoon, and still haven't heard anything.

Starting to think about celebrating a Croning ceremony. I'll be 50 in October. I'm not really concerned with getting older, but 50 seems like such a significant number. I'm well into my grandmother years, I'd like to celebrate the changing seasons and roles in my life.

Ahh, disjointed posting, fits with my disjointed emotions and thoughts right now.

Challenging kids

I have a granddaughter who is very challenging. We are in the process of finding diagnosis and treatment for her, but right now she is out of control and totally disrupting the family. I do what I can, reiki when I can get her to be still for a few minutes, protection spells for everyone in the household. Still, it's difficult. All the negativity just brings everyone down. I feel exhausted all the time, my daughter is at her wit's end. There must be some how to help this little girl. She's only 6, there has to be an answer somewhere.

I've been through similar things with my son. He's been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He's almost 30 now, and doing well. If anyone is reading, I'd really appreciate prayers and energy for healing and protection.

Dividing myself

Seems like my whole life, I've been divided, pulled in so many directions. I had to be sister and mother to my brothers, 3 and 4 years younger than myself, for many years as a child and teen. Next thing I knew, I was married with 3 babies in 3 years, then divorced when they were 3, 18 months and 3 months. Followed by those years so many live every day, job, bills, arguing kids, sick kids, mental illness, both my own and my kids. Then I found my teen sweetheart and we rekindled that flame. I found myself stepmother to three more teens, each with their own issues and problems.

Suddenly I was a grandma. My 17 year old stepdaughter had a beautiful baby girl. She wasn't ready to be Mom, she had no idea how to put someone else's life first. I tried to teach her, but I didn't know about the depth of her own mental illness and pain.

John and I married in August, 1997. Very shortly after, in Oct., I received the best gift I have ever been given. My stepdaughter realized that she couldn't raise her daughter, at least not then. She asked us to take her until "she could get on her feet." Now, 13 years later, she is making yet one more attempt to get away from the drugs and alcohol and to get a legitimate job.

In the meantime, my granddaughter has morphed into my daughter. She couldn't be any more mine if she was born of my body. She is wonderful, she has overcome huge obstacles, having been diagnosed with fetal alcohol and drug effects. She is a bright, beautiful, loving young woman.

In the mean time, I have 10 other grands. Most of their parents have been in and out of our house from time to time, and some of them have lived here, too, on and off. Right now, my oldest daughter and her two kids are here. One is ten, and he is an angry young man. Sometimes the slightest thing can set him off. He has lived several years with his other grandmother, and I can't see where he was taught much in the way of manners and respect. My granddaughter is 6 and has already been tentatively diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

So here I am again. Divided between 3 children with differing issues. The two younger seem to be requiring so much time that my Alex gets neglected. Not by choice, but because she isn't very "squeaky". She told a friend that she was burning herself. I am so glad that friend cared enough to tell me. Alex says she hasn't been, but that she's been feeling depressed, that I don't want to spend time with her anymore. I told her that I love her beyond reason. That even though the younger ones are demanding attention just to keep them safe, I would rather be with her. She asked me to find a counselor for her. On now, to the process. Finding an affordable, but excellent person to work with her, help her sort through all the issues she has already faced in her short life.

I pray the Goddess surrounds her and protects her. That she feels the love that encompasses her every second. May all the parts that feel broken and neglected be reinforced and grow stronger than ever.

Ahh, Summer!

What a bittersweet day, the first day of summer. Today is the longest of the year, I love the sun. But, this is also the beginning of the shortening days, speeding us back to winter with the cold and the dark. Instead of looking at the dark coming, I choose to revel in the beauty around me, to embrace the warmth, relax in the sun. Soon my grandson will be moving in with us, to join my daughter and granddaughter that have been here since last May. I love seeing the kids, but I get tired, desperate for alone time, quiet. It also means that it gets much more difficult for me to carve out time for my personal devotions and rituals.

Speaking of that, I need to go mow the lawn. I actually do a little light meditation during that time, singing devotional songs to the Goddess as I circle around the lawn, sending my intentions and requests for protection of this property off to the universe as I spiral around.

Took my Skipper to the Ithaca Dog Park on Wednesday. It was relatively nice when we left home, raining steadily by the time we got to the park. There were no other pups there for Skipper to play with, but he spent a half hour roaming free, smelling and marking, and several bursts of running at full speed. The Dog Park is huge, my daughter and I were amazed at the size. I can't wait till I have a chance to take him on a nice day when he will have other dogs to play with. Skipper was exhausted, on the way home, instead of supervising my driving, he curled up and slept the whole way.

Monday is the last day of school for my kidlette. I can't believe she's at the end of seventh grade already. She's worked so hard to overcome the disabilities she had. When she was ready to start kindergarten, after 2 years in an interventional preschool program, I was told that she would probably never be able to speak clearly, that she was "educably mentally retarded", with an IQ of 75, and would not be able to be in "normal" classes throughout her school years. At 13, she is a bright, energetic, very social young lady. She maintains a C+ average. She is very articulate, and unless you know the physical signs of FADE (Fetal Alcohol and Drug Effects), you would never know the challenges she has overcome. I am so very proud of her.

I'm back

Surgeries are over, and very successful! It's amazing to sleep through the night without my hands feeling like I stuck them in a light socket 2 or 3 times a night.

Summer's here, early. I'm loving it. Going to Camp every weekend, lots of time outside, swimming, and relaxing. What's not to love? Garden's going great, can't wait to taste the fresh veggies. I've already had about 15 people ask if I was making raspberry jam this year (hint, hint). LOL A couple of people even offered to give me canning jars. Well, I've always been confident of my ability to cook well.

Tons of stuff to do, gotta get the laundry cycling, mow the lawn, figure out what to make for supper, do some exercising. Maybe I'll take Skipper for a walk, he loves that.

Another day, Another ........................

Having surgery tomorrow on my right wrist, so I know I won't be posting for a couple weeks. Running around trying to catch up as much as possible so I can relax and heal afterwards.

A friend uses a site called Wordle (www.wordle.com) It's fun! Type in poems, random words, groups of something or whatever, and the site will turn it into a word sculpture. Great way to spend some free time playing. I made one of my grandkids' names

Got the veggies planted this morning, 6 each of tomatoes, green and jalapeno peppers, broccoli and 2 bush cucumbers. Now just have to keep them alive until the harvest. Amazing to me, though, how much just planting took out of me. Just 5 years ago when we first planted a garden here, I did it all by my self, except the rototilling. This year my daughter dug the holes and all I had to do was plop the seedlings in and push the dirt around them. By the time we were done, I could barely walk back into the house. I sure hate not being able to do everything I used to.

Slogging through my day to day existence, seeing bursts of bright color among the dull, dishwater gray of daily life. I was able to get together with a close group of friends yesterday. I look forward to these gatherings so much. One place to truly be myself, knowing I am unconditionally loved and accepted. There is something so uplifting in walking into a room and seeing people smile because they are glad to see you.

At home, I am Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Chief cook and clothes washer. I feel like the titles became who I am. Somedays I feel so much a part of the household structure, I feel like I should change slipcovers, not clothing. So little appreciation or affection expressed. Makes me want to stop and look at my own behavior. Am I expressing my love and appreciation of my family? Do I offer compliments and praise for the completion of expectations, spoken or unspoken? I think maybe I need to watch my own behavior, make sure I am really treating others the way I would like to be treated.

Beltane! I love this time of year. Everything's fresh, growing, bursting free! After the long, long winter here in Central NY, I love the color, birds, freedom to go outside.

Seems like new things are budding in my life, too. I find myself throwing off the caretaker role I've worn for so long. Like most mothers, wives, grandmothers, I've neglected my needs, wants, and goals. I've been raising kids, in one form or another, since my youngest brother was born when I was 4. 45 year of being responsible. No wonder I feel the urge to throw off the chains. I feel like a houseplant that has been rootbound for years, and it's time to be planted outside, give my roots room to grow, delve deep, find nourishment, and bloom.

My goals for this week are to get my flower garden weeded and seeded, and get my veggie garden plotted and start buying the plants. Here's to the Sun!

Welcome to my world

Well, here goes nothing! Just a place to note my meandering thoughts on my crazy life.

Basics about me? I'm 49, married, 12 1/2 years now. I have 3 grown kids, 31, 29, 28, 3 grown step-kids, 30, 29, 27, and 11 grandkids. The oldest grand is also my kidlette. She is 13 now and we've had custody of her since she was just over 1.

I've been diagnosed with: Psoriasis, Psoriatic Arthritis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Spinal Stenosis, and Scoliosis. I also deal with major depression, social anxiety disorder, and some dissociative problems. I take a handful of prescriptions every day, and I am on Remicade for the PsA.

Right now, my oldest daughter and her 6 year old daughter are also living with us.

We have a 14 year old springer spaniel/dalmatian mix named Joy, and a 1 year old shar pei/black lab mix named Skipper.

Well, I guess you can see why my blog is named "Simulation of Sanity"!!