still breathing

Well, it's now Friday.  I've been trying to contact a therapist, but getting no return calls.  If I don't hear from this one, I'll start looking for another.  We've agreed to attempt to reconcile.  I've taken off my ring and told him it's not going back on unless/until he is 100% ready to make a complete commitment, to treat me like a treasured part of his life, and to never keep secrets.  There will be lots of therapy in our future.  If/when he moves back in, I am sleeping in the guest room.  I need to have counseling for myself, as well.  Tomorrow is going to be pure hell.

You know, another incredibly hurtful part is that even though I posted a change in relationship to "It's Complicated" on facebook, none of the people I thought were my closest friends have even called. People I don't know in real life have messaged me to ask if I need to talk, if there's anything they can do, but none of the ones I thought I was closest to.  This is one of those things I need to work on in counseling.  Why don't I have someone I can go to to have a good old pity party, to get the crying and ranting out with, who can sit there and chat about castration and other such ridiculous things just to get it out?

Gods, even my blog is ignored by the world.  I feel so useless and incredibly unimportant.  The world goes on.

devestation

I have a hole in my soul.  Saturday would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.  Yesterday we separated.  He says he's been becoming more and more attracted to gay porn, he lied and bought a tablet to hide it.  He contacted men to set up meetings.  He sent them pictures.  He did all this while still saying he loved me and planning our future.  How did I not see it?  How was I so blind?  It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep.  Life must still go on.  Today I must take my kidlette, her boyfriend, and my mother to state fair.  Why?  Because I caved to the pressure to do it.  The fact that my life fell apart today is secondary to what they have been planning.  Gods, I am so angry, hurt, I don't have words for this agony.  But life must go on.

And so, the new journey begins.  This is the second time.  Can we, should we, work on reconciling?  Do I want to reconcile?  Hell, right now I'm not even sure I want to breathe.  That is not an option, though, I can't be that selfish.

And so here I sit.  Talking to no one, crying so much my eyes are almost swollen shut.  Goddess, give me guidance, give me strength to take the next step.  I don't have it on my own right now.  Everytime I close my eyes to try to sleep, I start crying uncontrollably.  It's now almost 8 am.  Time to shower, put on my mask and pretend I'm still alive.

Your actions are a knife, sharp as glass

You murdered something precious and rare

I stand here bleeding, you've cut out my heart

On the eve of a celebration, the planning still fresh, 

the joy is now destroyed

Yet, my soul still yearns for you

I am destroyed

devastated

trampled

crushed

the pain is all encompassing

Why?

And yet, I must go on.

There are no choices for me

Farewell Robin.

Wow, hearing about Robin Williams was truly disheartening.  I knew he struggled with depression and addiction, but he took steps just a month or so ago to get help.  Hearing he was so despondent, he felt the only way out was suicide is saddening.

I understand.  I have danced with that demon many times, and that demon still visits me at unexpected moments.  I still tend to feel alone in a crowd, like I have several acquaintances that think I'm fun to be with sometimes, but that I have no soul level friends.  I am married, have family around me, and so many grandkids, but I feel like I'm tolerated by so many people, but not really loved.  How do you talk to anyone about this???  I don't want a pity party, but I do want to know what I do that keeps people at arms length all the time.  No one invites me over, no one calls to just chat, even my husband seems to prefer being elsewhere over spending time with me.

Then add in the constant pain.  It saps so much energy and keeps me from doing things I love.  I'm fat and I can't exercise, I am so incredibly limited on what I can do.  I feel trapped.

I am not suicidal.  I know that hurts so many people, and solves no problems, but I realize I am incredibly depressed.  I feel useless, I have no appetite, no ambition, no joy in my life right now.

I guess knowing that no one really reads this at least gives me a place to vent.  I know I will find my way through this.  It's probably just the result of all the stress I've had for the last year and a half.  I am here for a reason, and I'll leave this plain when I'm supposed to.  I'm just dancing with the Dark Goddess for a little while.