Farewell Robin.

Wow, hearing about Robin Williams was truly disheartening.  I knew he struggled with depression and addiction, but he took steps just a month or so ago to get help.  Hearing he was so despondent, he felt the only way out was suicide is saddening.

I understand.  I have danced with that demon many times, and that demon still visits me at unexpected moments.  I still tend to feel alone in a crowd, like I have several acquaintances that think I'm fun to be with sometimes, but that I have no soul level friends.  I am married, have family around me, and so many grandkids, but I feel like I'm tolerated by so many people, but not really loved.  How do you talk to anyone about this???  I don't want a pity party, but I do want to know what I do that keeps people at arms length all the time.  No one invites me over, no one calls to just chat, even my husband seems to prefer being elsewhere over spending time with me.

Then add in the constant pain.  It saps so much energy and keeps me from doing things I love.  I'm fat and I can't exercise, I am so incredibly limited on what I can do.  I feel trapped.

I am not suicidal.  I know that hurts so many people, and solves no problems, but I realize I am incredibly depressed.  I feel useless, I have no appetite, no ambition, no joy in my life right now.

I guess knowing that no one really reads this at least gives me a place to vent.  I know I will find my way through this.  It's probably just the result of all the stress I've had for the last year and a half.  I am here for a reason, and I'll leave this plain when I'm supposed to.  I'm just dancing with the Dark Goddess for a little while.