Even more ....

Now my husband is in the hospital with yet another blockage.  He has been having increasing angina, and ignoring it.  On Friday when he came home, he had to lean against the wall grabbing his chest and his lips were blue.  I've known for several months that there was another blockage forming, he had started getting tired in the evenings earlier and earlier and there's that damned intuition I have.  We went to the ER and he was later moved up to St. Joe's in Syracuse.  Since he was admitted on a Friday, there is nothing they can do but monitor him until Monday.

Both of my father's carotid arteries are significantly blocked, so surgery is coming up for him again, with a several day stay at the hospital.  He is sitting in his "throne" all day and my mother resentfully waits on him hand and foot.  She won't tell him to get up and do for himself, but she complains to others about it.  My grand daughter is continuing to challenge her mother, but my daughter isn't or can't enforce rules and boundaries.  It's become a dance, Rai pushes her limits, my daughter argues and struggles, but the boundaries move.  It's frustrating to me because I want to shake both of them, but it's not my fight.  My other daughter continues to "dance" with her estranged husband.  He insists that she must have only supervised visits with their 11 year old son, and she doesn't ask the court to drop the requirement, but complains to me about it.

I keep saying I don't know how much more I can take, and then something more happens.  It feels like I'm just going to collapse.  I want to just find a nice closet, crawl in and lock the door behind me.  Even though my husband has continued to try, I still feel so very alone.  Last night Simon and Garfunkle's song "I am a Rock" kept going through my head over and over.  I don't want that.  I want to be a part of life.  I want close friends, people that I can bitch and whine with, who will understand and bitch and whine back about their problems.  I want friends I can feel free to drop in on, who feel free to drop in on me and don't care about all the clutter.  I want to feel like a friend instead of a caregiver.  Goddess, what am I supposed to be learning right now, I can't find the lesson.

Hopefully I can find some of the answers as my counseling sessions continue.  I feel so lost right now, like I'm wandering blindly.