devestation

I have a hole in my soul.  Saturday would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.  Yesterday we separated.  He says he's been becoming more and more attracted to gay porn, he lied and bought a tablet to hide it.  He contacted men to set up meetings.  He sent them pictures.  He did all this while still saying he loved me and planning our future.  How did I not see it?  How was I so blind?  It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep.  Life must still go on.  Today I must take my kidlette, her boyfriend, and my mother to state fair.  Why?  Because I caved to the pressure to do it.  The fact that my life fell apart today is secondary to what they have been planning.  Gods, I am so angry, hurt, I don't have words for this agony.  But life must go on.

And so, the new journey begins.  This is the second time.  Can we, should we, work on reconciling?  Do I want to reconcile?  Hell, right now I'm not even sure I want to breathe.  That is not an option, though, I can't be that selfish.

And so here I sit.  Talking to no one, crying so much my eyes are almost swollen shut.  Goddess, give me guidance, give me strength to take the next step.  I don't have it on my own right now.  Everytime I close my eyes to try to sleep, I start crying uncontrollably.  It's now almost 8 am.  Time to shower, put on my mask and pretend I'm still alive.

Your actions are a knife, sharp as glass

You murdered something precious and rare

I stand here bleeding, you've cut out my heart

On the eve of a celebration, the planning still fresh, 

the joy is now destroyed

Yet, my soul still yearns for you

I am destroyed

devastated

trampled

crushed

the pain is all encompassing

Why?

And yet, I must go on.

There are no choices for me

Farewell Robin.

Wow, hearing about Robin Williams was truly disheartening.  I knew he struggled with depression and addiction, but he took steps just a month or so ago to get help.  Hearing he was so despondent, he felt the only way out was suicide is saddening.

I understand.  I have danced with that demon many times, and that demon still visits me at unexpected moments.  I still tend to feel alone in a crowd, like I have several acquaintances that think I'm fun to be with sometimes, but that I have no soul level friends.  I am married, have family around me, and so many grandkids, but I feel like I'm tolerated by so many people, but not really loved.  How do you talk to anyone about this???  I don't want a pity party, but I do want to know what I do that keeps people at arms length all the time.  No one invites me over, no one calls to just chat, even my husband seems to prefer being elsewhere over spending time with me.

Then add in the constant pain.  It saps so much energy and keeps me from doing things I love.  I'm fat and I can't exercise, I am so incredibly limited on what I can do.  I feel trapped.

I am not suicidal.  I know that hurts so many people, and solves no problems, but I realize I am incredibly depressed.  I feel useless, I have no appetite, no ambition, no joy in my life right now.

I guess knowing that no one really reads this at least gives me a place to vent.  I know I will find my way through this.  It's probably just the result of all the stress I've had for the last year and a half.  I am here for a reason, and I'll leave this plain when I'm supposed to.  I'm just dancing with the Dark Goddess for a little while.

Summertime and the living (should be) easy

July.  Hot, thunderstorms, lots of sun.  I like summer.  This is the kidlette's last summer, she'll be a senior next year.  Hopefully she'll graduate with her class.

This "No Child Left Behind Act" sounds great on paper, not so great in practice.  Every child is forced into the exact same mold,  No account is made for different learning styles, for learning differences, for anything outside of the cookie cutter.  I think this is actually hurting our kids much more than helping them.  My kidlette has actively wanted to quit school twice in the last 2 months.  She doesn't do well in the large, crowded, noisy classroom settings.  She's a kid that thrives in a small class setting, where she can ask what she needs clarification on, have quiet to study and concentrate, hands on activities to help her understand the concepts.  The modern high school classroom is a group of 30-35 kids with a bored teacher teaching straight from a book, no imagination required, just pump the answers into as many brains as possible so the teacher can keep his/her position and maybe get a raise.  So we have summer school.  She has also become so afraid of tests that she has a guaranteed job, she just has to do an online assessment test.  She'd rather not get the job than take a test.  I agree that education in America needs improvement, but this isn't the way.  New York is also one of the few states that doesn't have access to the free online school.  I looked into home schooling, but she would still have to pass the regents tests or take the GED test, so that makes that option not workable.  So we are holding on tight, trying to find the way to work through this mess.

My Dad is home.  He's doing well, but slacking off now that he doesn't have PT or OT all the time.  He tends to sit in his chair and ask everyone to get whatever he needs.  Frustration!!!!  He gets out of bed, walks to his chair, sits there all day unless he needs to use the bathroom, then gets up to go back to bed.  Total walking of about 100 feet all day long.  I guess if that's his choice, we need to deal with it, but I want to kick his butt and make him take care of himself.

Other than that, things are bobbing along.  Comparatively, things are going well.  No one is dangerously ill, no one is in the hospital, we can handle this.  I hope you are having a lazy, relaxing summmer.