devestation

I have a hole in my soul.  Saturday would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.  Yesterday we separated.  He says he's been becoming more and more attracted to gay porn, he lied and bought a tablet to hide it.  He contacted men to set up meetings.  He sent them pictures.  He did all this while still saying he loved me and planning our future.  How did I not see it?  How was I so blind?  It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep.  Life must still go on.  Today I must take my kidlette, her boyfriend, and my mother to state fair.  Why?  Because I caved to the pressure to do it.  The fact that my life fell apart today is secondary to what they have been planning.  Gods, I am so angry, hurt, I don't have words for this agony.  But life must go on.

And so, the new journey begins.  This is the second time.  Can we, should we, work on reconciling?  Do I want to reconcile?  Hell, right now I'm not even sure I want to breathe.  That is not an option, though, I can't be that selfish.

And so here I sit.  Talking to no one, crying so much my eyes are almost swollen shut.  Goddess, give me guidance, give me strength to take the next step.  I don't have it on my own right now.  Everytime I close my eyes to try to sleep, I start crying uncontrollably.  It's now almost 8 am.  Time to shower, put on my mask and pretend I'm still alive.

Your actions are a knife, sharp as glass

You murdered something precious and rare

I stand here bleeding, you've cut out my heart

On the eve of a celebration, the planning still fresh, 

the joy is now destroyed

Yet, my soul still yearns for you

I am destroyed

devastated

trampled

crushed

the pain is all encompassing

Why?

And yet, I must go on.

There are no choices for me