Update on the chaos

Hubby and I are talking about the recommitment ceremony.  I have some ideas.  I want to have the wedding rings cleansed and consecrated, we are writing our own vows.  We meet with my high priestess on Thursday.  We are continuing in therapy.  There are still some issues that we need to work on.  We have serious communication problems.  I will say something and he will say almost the exact thing back, but somehow have a different take on it.

I am also dealing with my past abuse issues.  I did extensive work about 23 years ago, including 2 years in day treatment.  I'm now in a place where I'm ready to work on the residual issues some more.  My therapist is using EMDR.  I'm amazed at how it works.  It reminds me a lot of doing shamanic journeywork, only internally.  The issue we worked on at my last session has changed in my everyday life.  It involved a shame issue and I was able to move past the shame and achieve the goal I set for myself.  I'm looking forward to doing more work with this therapist, both personally and in my marriage.

My kidlette is now 18.  What a journey it's been.  She is an incredible young woman, and I'm so proud of her.

My glass is now in a local shop.  I've sold a piece and I'm doing a craft show in November.  We got a tile saw and I'm looking at how to make my work area as waterproof as possible.

Even more ....

Now my husband is in the hospital with yet another blockage.  He has been having increasing angina, and ignoring it.  On Friday when he came home, he had to lean against the wall grabbing his chest and his lips were blue.  I've known for several months that there was another blockage forming, he had started getting tired in the evenings earlier and earlier and there's that damned intuition I have.  We went to the ER and he was later moved up to St. Joe's in Syracuse.  Since he was admitted on a Friday, there is nothing they can do but monitor him until Monday.

Both of my father's carotid arteries are significantly blocked, so surgery is coming up for him again, with a several day stay at the hospital.  He is sitting in his "throne" all day and my mother resentfully waits on him hand and foot.  She won't tell him to get up and do for himself, but she complains to others about it.  My grand daughter is continuing to challenge her mother, but my daughter isn't or can't enforce rules and boundaries.  It's become a dance, Rai pushes her limits, my daughter argues and struggles, but the boundaries move.  It's frustrating to me because I want to shake both of them, but it's not my fight.  My other daughter continues to "dance" with her estranged husband.  He insists that she must have only supervised visits with their 11 year old son, and she doesn't ask the court to drop the requirement, but complains to me about it.

I keep saying I don't know how much more I can take, and then something more happens.  It feels like I'm just going to collapse.  I want to just find a nice closet, crawl in and lock the door behind me.  Even though my husband has continued to try, I still feel so very alone.  Last night Simon and Garfunkle's song "I am a Rock" kept going through my head over and over.  I don't want that.  I want to be a part of life.  I want close friends, people that I can bitch and whine with, who will understand and bitch and whine back about their problems.  I want friends I can feel free to drop in on, who feel free to drop in on me and don't care about all the clutter.  I want to feel like a friend instead of a caregiver.  Goddess, what am I supposed to be learning right now, I can't find the lesson.

Hopefully I can find some of the answers as my counseling sessions continue.  I feel so lost right now, like I'm wandering blindly.

Taking baby steps

Well, I made the decision to let my husband come back home last Monday.  I did stay in the guest room until Wednesday.  The decision was complicated.  He is trying very hard to show me he's changing, being very affectionate, going out of his way to show me how much he appreciates me.  I found a therapist, I've seen her once already, he sees her later this week, then we'll go from there.  I pray that he's truly willing to make the changes.  We just hung out on Saturday, driving, ended up at the local outlet mall.  As we were walking towards one store, we went by a Kay's jewelry store and he says lets go in.  He decided he wanted to buy a diamond for me.  We've been married 17 years and I didn't have one.  We talked with the salespeople and came up with a design that I like, a price that I find reasonable, and it will match the wedding band (when I have it back on).  At dinner, I asked him why he decided to do that.  He said that it was kind of spur of the moment, but that he wanted me to know how serious he is.  We started talking about renewing our vows, made a couple tentative plans.  I need to talk to my high priestess and set up a time we can get together and talk about it a bit more.

Through all this, I still feel so guarded.  That's a good thing, I think.  I've asked him a time or two how long this will last, what happens when things go back to the way they were.  He says he's going to do his best not to let that happen.  Goddess, let it be so!  I don't know how long it will be, if ever, till I trust him again.  One day at a time, that's all I can deal with for now.

still breathing

Well, it's now Friday.  I've been trying to contact a therapist, but getting no return calls.  If I don't hear from this one, I'll start looking for another.  We've agreed to attempt to reconcile.  I've taken off my ring and told him it's not going back on unless/until he is 100% ready to make a complete commitment, to treat me like a treasured part of his life, and to never keep secrets.  There will be lots of therapy in our future.  If/when he moves back in, I am sleeping in the guest room.  I need to have counseling for myself, as well.  Tomorrow is going to be pure hell.

You know, another incredibly hurtful part is that even though I posted a change in relationship to "It's Complicated" on facebook, none of the people I thought were my closest friends have even called. People I don't know in real life have messaged me to ask if I need to talk, if there's anything they can do, but none of the ones I thought I was closest to.  This is one of those things I need to work on in counseling.  Why don't I have someone I can go to to have a good old pity party, to get the crying and ranting out with, who can sit there and chat about castration and other such ridiculous things just to get it out?

Gods, even my blog is ignored by the world.  I feel so useless and incredibly unimportant.  The world goes on.

devestation

I have a hole in my soul.  Saturday would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.  Yesterday we separated.  He says he's been becoming more and more attracted to gay porn, he lied and bought a tablet to hide it.  He contacted men to set up meetings.  He sent them pictures.  He did all this while still saying he loved me and planning our future.  How did I not see it?  How was I so blind?  It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep.  Life must still go on.  Today I must take my kidlette, her boyfriend, and my mother to state fair.  Why?  Because I caved to the pressure to do it.  The fact that my life fell apart today is secondary to what they have been planning.  Gods, I am so angry, hurt, I don't have words for this agony.  But life must go on.

And so, the new journey begins.  This is the second time.  Can we, should we, work on reconciling?  Do I want to reconcile?  Hell, right now I'm not even sure I want to breathe.  That is not an option, though, I can't be that selfish.

And so here I sit.  Talking to no one, crying so much my eyes are almost swollen shut.  Goddess, give me guidance, give me strength to take the next step.  I don't have it on my own right now.  Everytime I close my eyes to try to sleep, I start crying uncontrollably.  It's now almost 8 am.  Time to shower, put on my mask and pretend I'm still alive.

Your actions are a knife, sharp as glass

You murdered something precious and rare

I stand here bleeding, you've cut out my heart

On the eve of a celebration, the planning still fresh, 

the joy is now destroyed

Yet, my soul still yearns for you

I am destroyed

devastated

trampled

crushed

the pain is all encompassing

Why?

And yet, I must go on.

There are no choices for me

Farewell Robin.

Wow, hearing about Robin Williams was truly disheartening.  I knew he struggled with depression and addiction, but he took steps just a month or so ago to get help.  Hearing he was so despondent, he felt the only way out was suicide is saddening.

I understand.  I have danced with that demon many times, and that demon still visits me at unexpected moments.  I still tend to feel alone in a crowd, like I have several acquaintances that think I'm fun to be with sometimes, but that I have no soul level friends.  I am married, have family around me, and so many grandkids, but I feel like I'm tolerated by so many people, but not really loved.  How do you talk to anyone about this???  I don't want a pity party, but I do want to know what I do that keeps people at arms length all the time.  No one invites me over, no one calls to just chat, even my husband seems to prefer being elsewhere over spending time with me.

Then add in the constant pain.  It saps so much energy and keeps me from doing things I love.  I'm fat and I can't exercise, I am so incredibly limited on what I can do.  I feel trapped.

I am not suicidal.  I know that hurts so many people, and solves no problems, but I realize I am incredibly depressed.  I feel useless, I have no appetite, no ambition, no joy in my life right now.

I guess knowing that no one really reads this at least gives me a place to vent.  I know I will find my way through this.  It's probably just the result of all the stress I've had for the last year and a half.  I am here for a reason, and I'll leave this plain when I'm supposed to.  I'm just dancing with the Dark Goddess for a little while.

Summertime and the living (should be) easy

July.  Hot, thunderstorms, lots of sun.  I like summer.  This is the kidlette's last summer, she'll be a senior next year.  Hopefully she'll graduate with her class.

This "No Child Left Behind Act" sounds great on paper, not so great in practice.  Every child is forced into the exact same mold,  No account is made for different learning styles, for learning differences, for anything outside of the cookie cutter.  I think this is actually hurting our kids much more than helping them.  My kidlette has actively wanted to quit school twice in the last 2 months.  She doesn't do well in the large, crowded, noisy classroom settings.  She's a kid that thrives in a small class setting, where she can ask what she needs clarification on, have quiet to study and concentrate, hands on activities to help her understand the concepts.  The modern high school classroom is a group of 30-35 kids with a bored teacher teaching straight from a book, no imagination required, just pump the answers into as many brains as possible so the teacher can keep his/her position and maybe get a raise.  So we have summer school.  She has also become so afraid of tests that she has a guaranteed job, she just has to do an online assessment test.  She'd rather not get the job than take a test.  I agree that education in America needs improvement, but this isn't the way.  New York is also one of the few states that doesn't have access to the free online school.  I looked into home schooling, but she would still have to pass the regents tests or take the GED test, so that makes that option not workable.  So we are holding on tight, trying to find the way to work through this mess.

My Dad is home.  He's doing well, but slacking off now that he doesn't have PT or OT all the time.  He tends to sit in his chair and ask everyone to get whatever he needs.  Frustration!!!!  He gets out of bed, walks to his chair, sits there all day unless he needs to use the bathroom, then gets up to go back to bed.  Total walking of about 100 feet all day long.  I guess if that's his choice, we need to deal with it, but I want to kick his butt and make him take care of himself.

Other than that, things are bobbing along.  Comparatively, things are going well.  No one is dangerously ill, no one is in the hospital, we can handle this.  I hope you are having a lazy, relaxing summmer.

Hi (peeking out from behind the chaos)

Well, I knew I hadn't posted in a while, but I didn't realize it had been almost 7 months!!  There is a very good reason I call this blog "Simulation of Sanity".

My father is still in Rehab.  It's been 7 months now.  In January they ended up doing a below the knee amputation.  He has healed well, and, thank the Goddess, he has been free of MRSA since then.  After a long battle with swelling in his thigh, we've finally gotten his medications regulated so that he's been able to get his leg on every day for a month now.  He is walking around 100 feet without stopping, and building endurance back.  Mine, though, is flagging.   I have spent the last 7 months taking my mother back and forth every weekday and it's way too much.  I have told them I need to drop down to Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  I have so much that isn't getting done, not to mention how exhausted I am.  Part of me is not ok with this.  I have that voice in my head saying "a good daughter would sacrifice anything when her parents need her" and "what goes round comes round, so you should do everything you can."  But I have an entire life outside of my parents that is also in chaos.

My daughters both discovered they had HPV at the same time.  The oldest had 9 lesions on her cervix, the younger 27.  This is scary stuff, but luckily, both have been cleared from cancer, for the time being.  My oldest daughter also had 6 pulmonary embolisms in Oct.  Mega-scary.  Miraculously, she recovered with no after effects.  They decided the embolisms were caused by smoking and Depo-Provera birth control.  She had tubal ligation and uterine ablation done and is doing well.  Now her daughter has an enlarged thyroid and hyperthyroidism.  She has an upcoming endocrinologist appointment, but it's not till the end of the month.

My kidlette was in an adolescent psych unit for a week  She was having visions of herself hanging in a nearby park and of hurting herself in other ways, hearing voices telling her she was no good, that she should die now, and dreams that those she loves and trusts became murderers and rapists.  My back has, of course, continued to worsen.  I now have 2 large herniated discs, L3-L4 and L4-L5.  The lower one is impinging on nerves.  I had a couple foraminal blocks and a week from today I have a second facet joint block scheduled. I'm so tired of pain!!!!!

On the good side, though, I am not depressed.  Discouraged, tired, frustrated, yes, but not depressed.  I've finally learned that I cannot be the strong person for everyone.  Recently my oldest step-daughter has been having significant addiction and mental health issues, and I told my husband he needs to be the one handling that, I cannot take anything more.

Life goes on, at least now the temperatures are warm, the flowers are blooming, birds are singing, and I can go outside and just connect with the earth.  Things will change, this stress cannot last forever, and I have grown.