Dividing myself

Seems like my whole life, I've been divided, pulled in so many directions. I had to be sister and mother to my brothers, 3 and 4 years younger than myself, for many years as a child and teen. Next thing I knew, I was married with 3 babies in 3 years, then divorced when they were 3, 18 months and 3 months. Followed by those years so many live every day, job, bills, arguing kids, sick kids, mental illness, both my own and my kids. Then I found my teen sweetheart and we rekindled that flame. I found myself stepmother to three more teens, each with their own issues and problems.

Suddenly I was a grandma. My 17 year old stepdaughter had a beautiful baby girl. She wasn't ready to be Mom, she had no idea how to put someone else's life first. I tried to teach her, but I didn't know about the depth of her own mental illness and pain.

John and I married in August, 1997. Very shortly after, in Oct., I received the best gift I have ever been given. My stepdaughter realized that she couldn't raise her daughter, at least not then. She asked us to take her until "she could get on her feet." Now, 13 years later, she is making yet one more attempt to get away from the drugs and alcohol and to get a legitimate job.

In the meantime, my granddaughter has morphed into my daughter. She couldn't be any more mine if she was born of my body. She is wonderful, she has overcome huge obstacles, having been diagnosed with fetal alcohol and drug effects. She is a bright, beautiful, loving young woman.

In the mean time, I have 10 other grands. Most of their parents have been in and out of our house from time to time, and some of them have lived here, too, on and off. Right now, my oldest daughter and her two kids are here. One is ten, and he is an angry young man. Sometimes the slightest thing can set him off. He has lived several years with his other grandmother, and I can't see where he was taught much in the way of manners and respect. My granddaughter is 6 and has already been tentatively diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

So here I am again. Divided between 3 children with differing issues. The two younger seem to be requiring so much time that my Alex gets neglected. Not by choice, but because she isn't very "squeaky". She told a friend that she was burning herself. I am so glad that friend cared enough to tell me. Alex says she hasn't been, but that she's been feeling depressed, that I don't want to spend time with her anymore. I told her that I love her beyond reason. That even though the younger ones are demanding attention just to keep them safe, I would rather be with her. She asked me to find a counselor for her. On now, to the process. Finding an affordable, but excellent person to work with her, help her sort through all the issues she has already faced in her short life.

I pray the Goddess surrounds her and protects her. That she feels the love that encompasses her every second. May all the parts that feel broken and neglected be reinforced and grow stronger than ever.